Your mom was right. 10 reasons you're not likely to find "the one" in a bar.

I adapted the previous story into an assignment for my humor class. This is the finished product:

I love games, but the only game I am not especially fond of is the dating game.

“You’re never going to meet someone worth dating in a bar,” is the way my mother always put it. The saying implies that decent people don’t go to bars. "But, I go to bars, mother!"

So in the past few months I’ve put on my best heels and my brightest lipgloss more times than my body is telling me it can handle and I’ve gone out to put decency to the test.

The guys I have met in the last several months have really made me question the true meaning of decency. That, or my picker is broken. Or I have a bum magnet. Even better- an ultramagnetic bum magnet.

If your ultramagnetic bum magnet seems to be in full working order when you go out for a night on the town, here are 10 indicators (sadly for me, all from personal experience) to help you ward off the stinkers:

-You can’t understand the compliment he just gave you because he’s slurring his words through his Jim Beam breath.

-He offers to buy you a drink, but asks if you wouldn’t mind sharing it. Oh, and would you mind spotting him a couple of bucks, too?

-One of the first things he tells you about himself is that he goes tanning every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

-Then he tells you that his mother is his favorite person in all the world and they talk –on average- five times a day.

-Then he tells you that his last relationship ended earlier that same evening.

-He answers, “Ya know, like getting high and chillin’ with my bros and playing CODMW2,” when you ask him what his hobbies are.

-He switched from Jim Beam to Heineken, and now he's belching.

-He's been staring at your breasts for so long that he could probably guess your bra size.

-He tells you he's going to the bathroom and you spot him across the bar flirting with another girl.

-When the two of you go outside to get some air he asks if you wouldn't mind "covering" for him while he simultaneously tries to smoke a cigarette and pee on the side of the building.

So here you are, ten signs that he is not, he is never going to be, (and your mother would likely disown you if you that that he was) "the one."

I am not a heartbroken, bitter, single, always complaining about how all guys are chauvinistic pigs kind of girl. I like guys. But it took me five months, three broken pairs of heels, one tube of lipgloss, and about a week's paycheck to realize that it is highly unlikely that you’re going to meet "the one" in a bar.

Ladies, save your mother the worry of you dating the next best schmuck and go see a movie with the girls instead.